8 Simple Rules For Dating My Guthrie

by Ray

My attention has been drawn to a competition run by Guthrie’s ex-employers Waterstones. See for yourself:

…we are offering five lucky winners the chance to spend an evening (25 April 2007) in the company of Mr Guthrie, who will be reading from Hard Man; followed by some excellent jazz music in a great venue, slap bang in the city centre.

I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. First, there are people willing to enter a competition to spend time with the man. Second, I know how much he loves the smooth jazz – I mean, he’s pure mental for the syncopation. Third, he’s agreed to give back to his fans.

All in all, it’s a package I think you’d be a fool to ignore. However, what Waterstones haven’t made clear are the rules. As per usual, they leave the admin up to muggins here.

In the event of winning the Waterstones Allan Guthrie Competition, please bear the following 8 Rules in mind:

1. It might be dinner and dancing, but don’t expect to be invited in for “coffee”.

2. Mr Guthrie is entitled to chew with his mouth open and speak at the same time. He is also entitled to simply spit food at anyone whose face offends him. Kinda like a camel. Or one of those crazy-looking things that look like a llama.

3. In his position as agent, Mr Guthrie will be happy to look at your 900-page manuscript about how the Jewish aliens are controlling the media and your thoughts along with it. Also, if you could bring him one of those tin foil hats, that’d be super.

4. You will stand on Mr Guthrie’s arrival, wheelchair or no wheelchair.

5. Mr Guthrie reserves the right to address winners as “You, the fugly one”.

6. Mr Guthrie will not sign books, breasts or babies. He will, however, sign your recently deceased.

7. If you interrupt the smooth, smooth jazz, Mr Guthrie reserves the right to roundhouse kick you in the back of the head.

8. In the event that Mr Guthrie “can’t be arsed”, all winners will be legally bound to pretend that they spent the evening with Mr Guthrie and that he was a charming, sexy and sparkling man. Winners and anyone looking at these rules are legally bound to buy every book with the name Allan Guthrie on the front.

For more details on this competition, go here.

(Hat tip: The Badger)